я хочу быть самой красивой в мире бабочкой
Am I just a fuck up? I consider the possibility.
Sometimes I think that all I need is to concetrate on the world - I mean, that if you believe that the world is only what' in your - mine - own head, as I certainly do. Concetraite and do what's need to be done. Like go and fucking practise for at least two hours a day (better four). Or start showing up at the university every day of studings, as I promised myself I would, and never kept the promise. If I'll take all the disturbing things out of my head, they woun't disturb me anymore, would they? It's almoust like they wouldn't exist anymore. Boys, sex, mates, bars, alcohol, even that bloody caffe (no one really cares about me over there, so why bother anyway?). If I want to be serious, I have no right to let my personal life affect my studying scetchual - in fact, I have to stop the personal life, you know, just fucking stop it, get rid of it, totally.
Instead of which, I went out that week - twice, to be honest. Or was it three times? I got home at 2 after midnight, than I stayed over at friend's place - got reunited with a friend from a year ago, the Taken one, real nice guy with a real nice girlfriend, - and than it was Thirsday, latest bus, short before fucking sunrise. It was pretty cool, I won't object. Mates, bars, boys and a little alcohol for free. Loads of fun, actually. Holydays, for Criste sake. I hadn't kissed, but I was close. Oh, and I flirted both with the Taken one and with my boss. Taken one didn't mind; apparently, he's still used to it. My boss spent five minutes (it's a long time for me) explaining about a laws in his head, by which relationships between him and people that work for him are strictly forbidden. Since than he never mentioned that, but I do like him, so I still hope... and, yeah, no personal life. Especially no forbidden one: got already a lot of things going on that would literally kill me, if someone wrong would discover them.
I speak english, I watch shows in English, I read books in fucking english. Can't think in any other language right now. Maybe I'm forgetting russian. Though it's sligtly ridicolous to misspell every word, I admit.
And I got an account on Twitter. Why on earth do I need a Twitter?
So how is that? Am I a fuck up or what?
I'm just scared, I'm so fucking scared.
Sometimes I think that all I need is to concetrate on the world - I mean, that if you believe that the world is only what' in your - mine - own head, as I certainly do. Concetraite and do what's need to be done. Like go and fucking practise for at least two hours a day (better four). Or start showing up at the university every day of studings, as I promised myself I would, and never kept the promise. If I'll take all the disturbing things out of my head, they woun't disturb me anymore, would they? It's almoust like they wouldn't exist anymore. Boys, sex, mates, bars, alcohol, even that bloody caffe (no one really cares about me over there, so why bother anyway?). If I want to be serious, I have no right to let my personal life affect my studying scetchual - in fact, I have to stop the personal life, you know, just fucking stop it, get rid of it, totally.
Instead of which, I went out that week - twice, to be honest. Or was it three times? I got home at 2 after midnight, than I stayed over at friend's place - got reunited with a friend from a year ago, the Taken one, real nice guy with a real nice girlfriend, - and than it was Thirsday, latest bus, short before fucking sunrise. It was pretty cool, I won't object. Mates, bars, boys and a little alcohol for free. Loads of fun, actually. Holydays, for Criste sake. I hadn't kissed, but I was close. Oh, and I flirted both with the Taken one and with my boss. Taken one didn't mind; apparently, he's still used to it. My boss spent five minutes (it's a long time for me) explaining about a laws in his head, by which relationships between him and people that work for him are strictly forbidden. Since than he never mentioned that, but I do like him, so I still hope... and, yeah, no personal life. Especially no forbidden one: got already a lot of things going on that would literally kill me, if someone wrong would discover them.
I speak english, I watch shows in English, I read books in fucking english. Can't think in any other language right now. Maybe I'm forgetting russian. Though it's sligtly ridicolous to misspell every word, I admit.
And I got an account on Twitter. Why on earth do I need a Twitter?
So how is that? Am I a fuck up or what?
I'm just scared, I'm so fucking scared.